Self-Reflection on an Unhappy Time in My Life (2008-02-21)

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The only thing worse than growing up was the knowledge I lacked about it.

An overcast of uncertainty fills the sky. The gleaming, radiant sunlight has been phased out. The street lights, completely unaware of their surroundings, continue to mindlessly direct traffic. This is a world that is complex yet coordinated, decisively confusing at times but ridiculously simple at others. This is a thunderstorm of impulses whose purposes will elude most anyone. This is the once-harmonious, once complete workings of my inner mind.

Much like the city streets on a typical, Californian morning, I find that the cheerful clarity of what remains of my youth is slowly becoming nonexistent.
I am completely helpless, forced to suffer at the hands of what American society has evolved into, forced to adapt, forced to become like those I once hated. Thrust into an uncaring world with a distinct lack of knowledge about it. I know very little about much of anything that occurs outside the protective walls of education, yet it’s a place I know I will soon be forced to live in.

Yet some of us don’t want to know. Some of us wish we could stay cooped up inside, shielded from both good and evil, our only link to the outside world being the dim glow of an outdated computer’s monitor. Some of us wish we had all the time in the world to practice our hobbies, free from the shackles of work and money. But we remain painfully aware that his will never happen. Such is my situation.

My inner beings desperately cling to the throne of fragmented sanity, nervously exchanging glances between fits of worrying and misanthropy. Afraid. Afraid to die. Afraid of being replaced with the well-dressed demons they know they must become in order to survive. Fighting a losing battle against inevitability. Fighting off the venomous sting of reality, dryness swelling in their throats.

Though the scene can be quite laughable at times, I feel for these creatures who are so anxiously holding on until the very end. I share this fear of lost livelihood and personality. If I am not able to find a suitable career in videogame design or freelance work, perhaps I will pay tribute to them with one long, final scream of despair.

Time will only tell.
And that’s the problem; Time doesn’t talk to me so often. But I’ll be waiting for that conversation, when it comes.
I’ll be ready.

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2014 Update:
Everything is fine and I am happy.

Actually, I never did try to get into a creative industry, and I'm a bit glad about that; by not doing so, I've retained full copyright over all of my productions. I am free to make, disclose, and share them with you. Thanks to the web, I can do it all myself, and that suits me well.

Since writing this, I've discovered that everyone is faking it until they make it. And, that's fine; I'll be right there to maybe figure it out with you.

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